almost...thirty-one

I've been thinking about this post all day, and what I would write. I wasn't banking on the news of the Boston Marathon explosions. I wasn't banking on feeling...

...stunned...saddened...shocked...sick. 

The runners --and their families, friends, and cheerleaders-- started out this morning with such pride in their cause, and their day ended in such tragedy. Even those who finished well before the explosions, their day --their accomplishment-- was forever marred.

Boston's day was forever marred.

The entire country's day was forever marred.

Today has just been...unreal.

I'd been thinking about my post today, and how I was going to write about the fact that this last year didn't end up the year I'd had planned for myself, and how this coming year would be better. How this year I would make sure to meet my goals.

Then, the explosions at the Boston Marathon happened, and all of a sudden, my thoughts of my tomorrow seemed a whole lot less important.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who was --and is still-- there, both physically and mentally. May God bless, and keep you all.



And may justice quickly be served upon those guilty of this COWARDLY act of terror..

unhappy holidays

I really struggled with the holidays this year.

I spent so much time worrying about the buying!making!preparing!giving!
wrapping!decorating! ...that I just...well, I just burned out.

Completely.

For whatever reason, I decided 2012 should be the year I pitch a 'handmade Christmas' to my loved ones. You know, the year when I moved twice, bought a house, got a puppy, went insane, stressed over family health problems, sued a crappy landlady, and a bunch of other issues I didn't bother/want to blog about.

I love crafting. Absolutely, truly love it. And despite my previous post, I really do enjoy crafting for others. So, I totally thought the handmade Christmas thing was going to go perfect. I just didn't count on a few outside factors, such as...burned chocolate, a destroyer dog, sizing issues, random breakage, and then just...running out of time.

By the time this week...and my parents...and the holiday...arrived, I was so over Christmas. I was exhausted. All I could focus on was the nap I would get when it was finally over. My mom and I talked about it while she was here, and she felt exactly the same. We also both agreed on something else.

Next year needs to be different. It has to be, and we, ourselves, have to make it so.

Next year needs to be different. The whole year. Not just Christmas.

So, how am I going to make that happen?

12/12/12

Everyone has been making a big deal about today's date; about how they've never seen it before and will never see it again. At first I was the same way, thinking I'd never see another 12/12/12 unless I lived to be 130, but then I realized something.

Yes, this is a date I've never seen before and am quite sure I'll never see again (living to 130 is a bit more than wishful thinking). But you know what? Today is a day I'll never see again. Who cares what order the numbers fall into? Every day is a gift, because the next is not for certain.

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. 

Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. 

We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; 

and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.” 

--George Harrison

Live for today. The only thing special about a date (day) is how you live it. Numbers are just...numbers.

outed.

November was a month of not much blogging. I wanted to blame it on being busy, or the guilt of having too many other things to do that I didn't end up doing anyway, but that wasn't it.

The truth is, I was outed as a blogger on Facebook. A friend** from my hometown who had absolutely no idea how hard I struggle with the idea of "putting things out there", so to speak, mentioned me and the fact that I blog in her own desire to participate in '30 Days of Giving Thanks'. She was trying to do a good thing by giving me credit, and I truly, completely appreciated that.

But, suddenly, my real life and internet life collided and I was very, very uncomfortable with that. I was back living again in that small town of 700 people and everyone knew my every move.

I was back in the fishbowl.

Granted, she didn't even link me, and most people who saw her post probably couldn't find my blog if they tried. There isn't a lot of searchable material on it that links me to me. Still, they now knew it existed, and that was enough. Too much.

Every time I tried to update here, I was blocked. The words just would not come. In my head, every word would be judged. Watched. Picked apart and criticized. I would again be the fodder for gossip that I had escaped upon moving away.

Today it finally occurred to me that I really don't care what those people think. I have --and lead-- a good life. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I don't talk about things here that I wouldn't tell someone in person. People are always going to be critical -- that I can't escape. But, I don't have to let them bring me down directly or indirectly.

And, I'm not going to, either. Not any longer.



**I know you are probably going to read this, and will know who you are. I'm not mad at you at all! Never was! Please don't feel badly. I just had to get over my own issues about blogging. No worries :)

finito.

It's Thursday! When did that happen??

I say this because WE CLOSED ON OUR HOUSE ON MONDAY morning and I just realized I didn't even mention it here yet!! It was definitely not my intention to withhold that information all week. After all we've been through with it, you'd think I would be standing up on the roof shouting, "We're homeowners! It's OURS! Yaaaaaay!"

It was a quiet affair. We met at the bank and signed the papers, then he went off to work and I came home to Sadie and a pee puddle. For all of the lead up to and waiting for we did, the day felt pretty normal. I'd expected to feel different when it was a done deal, but I didn't. I still don't. No Cloud 9 moment for me. Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet??

A friend of mine said, "Wait until you make that first mortgage payment. Then it'll hit you." I don't think I believe that, though. We've been paying rent for ten years. I'm used to making monthly payments on our living arrangements, so I don't think mailing off a check is going to bring about any epiphanies.

No, I think the slide into homeownership mentality is going to be gradual. Little realizations here and there, like when we decide we want to paint a room or pull up a rug, and don't have to ask (and be denied) permission. Or, when we don't mow our lawn for another week because it really doesn't need to be done and there is no one out there all but measuring the blades of grass with a ruler because she has some sort of complex about the length grass should be. (Not kidding about that.)

Now that I think about it, I do feel something:  relief. Relief in knowing those days of answering to someone else about our home are over. That, quite possibly, may be the best feeling of all.

You know what? This feeling of peace and the huge smile on my face make me think it may have hit me just now :)

embarking on a creative adventure

More often than not, my love of creating gets overshadowed by my need to produce something perfect as the end result. Even now, as I sit here writing this blog entry, I'm pouring over every word as though it's the most important thing ever to be written. I will proofread and edit countless times, and finally it will get posted, but I still won't be happy with it.

I get so caught up with how I think others will see the end product that I don't allow myself to simply enjoy the process of creating it. This is something I've desperately been wanting to change about myself.

One day last spring while surfing around the web, I stumbled on a link to the website of an e-course called Inside Out: A Creative Adventure of Self-Discovery. As soon as I read the description, I knew I had to enroll in the next session.

Since the I registered at the end of April, I've been anxiously waiting all summer for it to begin and today was (finally!!!!!) the big day.

I'm not going to go into details about my lessons here because Shannon puts a lot of love into them, but I will share that the photo* above is of my first creative play exercise in my new journal. I'm absolutely thrilled with how it turned out, and how easy it actually was for me to make something without second guessing every little step. I'm really quite proud of this page.

And, you know what? I'm proud of me, too.


*Sorry that the photo quality is so poor. I had to use my iPhone because my camera battery charger is still in a box somewhere :(